Sunday, January 24, 2010

Left Behind

I haven't been super sad lately about the IF issues but I have been thinking a lot about where I "should" be in my imaginary pregnancies. Several different times over the years girls have cheerfully exclaimed that we were "cycle buddies" or that our charts looked similar. Sometimes they would end up getting their monthly visitor but it's the ones that continued on without me that I am forced to sit and watch from the wings.

I try to forget that they included me in their 2ww journey but it sticks in the back of my mind so whenever I see a new belly picture or a new milestone come up it stings a little. It doesn't mean I'm not excited for those girls it's just a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

As the weeks, months and years have slipped by people whom I was "supposed" to be pregnant with when they had their first little one have started expanding their family even further while we sit with our party of two.

Living vicariously through others isn't all bad but in the end our hearts are still bruised and our arms are still empty. My vocabulary has changed from "When I get pregnant" to "If I ever get pregnant" to "If we ever get a baby". The pain is normally numbed a bit lately so that it doesn't hurt as bad but there's always a little bad aftertaste that lingers on with every two week stretch that passes by.

Ok there's my IF reflection entry for a while. I try not to think about it and definitely try not to post about it but sometimes it eeps out. I think it helps get it out of my system so if you made it this far you rock. :)


Jen said...

((hugs)) I really can't even begin to fathom how you feel. I can try and put myself in your situation, but I will never truly understand. This post helps me have a glimpse at what your going through. I pray God's will for you situation. Love ya girl!

sulfababy said...

My vocabulary has changed from "When I get pregnant" to "If I ever get pregnant" to "If we ever get a baby".

That is so poignant, and I know exactly how you feel. So sorry you have to feel it too. :( *hugs*

** said...

Hi there,

I actually came across your blog on accident. I have to say that you're a fantastic writer and I'm also in the same boat that you are. Dealing with IF. I just want to say that I know at times it feels like it will never happen for you but it will. God will make you a mother one way or another :)