There are far too many times that I blog about nonsense, to blow of steam, or to just throw myself a pity party. Today has not been a walk in the park but I knew deep in my soul what I needed to do, what I had been missing. I had a complete meltdown today as my husband and I drove past a house whoes owners run a pumpkin patch from the front yard during the fall. I realized that we'd be there picking out pumpkins again this year, surrounded by cute families and adorable babies - but we wouldn't have any. It felt like someone had jumped on my chest and I just began to sob. Mr. G had no idea what was wrong so I tried to explain what I had seen/realized in between breaths. Reality check.
Let me start this next part by saying I have failed at being faithful in reading my Bible. I have failed miserably. Example? The devotional entry I'm going to tell you about is dated June 17. I don't even have the July book because we haven't been to church in two weeks - that's the kind of pathetic I am right now. Thankfully I have an amazing God who never runs out of forgiveness and loves me even in all my faults, doubts and moments of fear.
Before even opening anything I stop and pray. The fall on your face, ashamed and overwhelmed with sorrow for being so incredibly disobedient. That kind. I begged God to speak to me and to pick me up (again) dust me off (again) and pull me through this (again).
I opened up the devotional book (June 17) and begin to read. I obviously won't type the whole thing for you, because this post would be ginormous but if you'd like to read the whole thing let me know and I'd totally email it to you. There are a few excerpts I want to put in here though - so I remember then and to share them with you.
It starts talking about John 9:1-3 where Jesus and the disciples are talking about a man who was born blind. In those days afflictions of that nature were considered a punishment for a sin committed by someone down the line. Someone had to pay (Jesus hadn't done that yet) so it was for thinks like blindness, leprosy, maybe... infertility? (I don't know that for sure but that's clearly how I'm relating my life at this point to the story). Jesus explained to them that it wasn't a punishment at all but that the man was born that way so that God's glory could be seen through him.
Ok God, You've got my attention. I'm listening.
"Whatever our 'blindness' is, whatever our heartache is, when the final chapter closes on our lives on this fallen earth, we will know that all the pain, the heartache, the tears the struggle have been worth it.
When we ask 'Where's God when I'm hurting?' we forget the amazing future reward He has promised. Not only do we forget it, but we also underestimate it...
...So no matter what you're facing, don't give up! Your pain does not occur without a purpose. Cling to God in it, and know that in the process, you are showing the world who He is! And when the days on this earth are over, and God rewards you, you will know that it as all been worth it."
Um, yeah. If that's not God grabbing me and pulling me in I don't know what is. Wake up and pay attention. This isn't about me. It never has been. God has a purpose for this and it's ok that I don't know that purpose just yet. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I just haven't gotten there. I'm almost positive His purpose was to bring my closer to my mom - my ignorant and selfish sie thought that once I realized part of His plan I'd automatically get pregnant. Haha, not quite.
The verses that were added for deeper reading are some of my favorites and were already highlighted in my Bible.
"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed but not driven to despair. We are hunted down but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."
- 2 Corinthians 4: 7-10
It has been not even two years. No matter how hard my minds makes this seem I HAVE to cling to what I know is true and right. The only thing that will pull me through this has been there all along and I just keep looking around it. It's times like this that I realize how arrogant I can be.
Sorry if this was long and "preachy". I rarely post things like this in fear of pushing people away but I just had to tonight. I couldn't help but think that maybe my realization would help someone else - even if it's just one person. Sorry it got long that happens when I post late at night about something that's important to me. :)
If you made it to the end I love you (even if you didn't I still love you). I pray for each of you and promise to do so more than I have been. Thank you for your love and support through all of this. It means more than you will ever know.
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