I'm a wife, a daughter, a sister, and I'm working towards being a mom. I love children and the joy and excitement that they bring.
My husband and I have been trying to start a family since September 2007 and it has been an emotionally rocky road. We're praying everyday that God gives us understanding and patience to rest in the fact that His timing is more perfect than we can ever imagine.
On his way to TWO!
And I know there'll be days When this life brings me pain And if that's what it takes to praise you Jesus, bring the rain
Journey to BabyG
**RE Appointment September 23**
August 24, 2009 - IUI #1
August 23, 2009 - +OPK & HCG Trigger
August 21, 2009 - Ultrasound = 1 follie on the right. A few more days for smaller ones to grow!
So I already told you we went shopping yesterday for a coffee maker. I haven't told you about the other awesomeness I got when we were out!
First off... Healthy Sexy Hair Pumpkin
I got the teeny tiny 10 oz. bottles of this last fall because I LOVED the way it smelled and it's "detoxifying" (whatever - basically made my hair feel really good). I have super mega thick hair so when I found that jug of the stuff at Marshalls I freaked out! 64 oz!!! HOLY CRAP! I'm SO excited. I got both the shampoo and conditioner for a GREAT price ($40 total) and I'm totally stoked about it.
Another thing I found were these notebook thingies
The outside is hard kinda like a portfolio and the design on the paper is super cute. I didn't think to take a closer picture and I'm too lazy to do it all again. They're called "kit by russell and hazel" but there's not much about them online. Anyway I had one and LOVED it last school year. It was my splurge then but found them at Marshall's way cheaper so I snatched up two.
I got crosshairs and took a nap today after church. Mr. G is napping on the couch right now. We need to eat dinner soon. We put chicken pieces in the crockpot and they smell AMAZING. Can't wait! :)
I'm in the market for a new coffee maker. I have had a one cup brewer for 4 years but I'm quickly getting tired of it. I want more than one cup in the morning and it's a pain dealing with it so I'm in search of a new one. I want one that has a timer so I can have it ready when I get up in the morning and don't have to fumble around making coffee in my morning grogginess.
I'm on a mission to get Mr. G to let me get this beauty
It has received GREAT reviews everywhere and it's a fairly middle of the road price for an above average coffee maker. I'm a believer in getting something that's a little more high quality the first time so you don't have to buy another one to replace it. Not only is it supposed to work well but I have a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond and it's cute. :)
In the spirit of TTC mind games I can't help but think hope that MAYBE if I get this one I'll jinx my infertility and get pregnant - having to give up coffee.
**UPDATE** We got the black one :) I'm super excited and can't wait to use it.
I didn't get the job I wanted (in 2 different situations). I'm on cycle 22. I triggered today. I'm tired. I'm emotional. I'm ready for the fall but I'm not ready for school. Most days I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.
I feel like I have... NOpartum depression... or something.
I almost made it through my trip to the doctor today w/o feeling down. Baby in the waiting room - ok I'll just play with my new cell and try to forget that it's there. Had the ultrasound, 2 good follies on the right, no cysts this time - YAY! Waited for trigger shot and left. I came out of the elevator and as I walked by the door to the stairs this ecstatic couple comes bounding out of the door with ultrasound pictures in their hand. Theirs was different than my ultrasound though. There was a baby in there.
"Did you see it when..." whispered the wife with excitement.
::dagger to the heart::
Boohoo pity party blah blah blah. I'm going to get through it, I know I will. Going through a tunnel with no light at the end is hard sometimes.
My doctor's that is. I have no idea where he "goes" but he's rarely in his office. I go in on Wednesday for an ultrasound and possibly an HCG injection but my doctor won't be there. I'll be seeing someone else who will decide if my follies are good enough for HCG. Awesome.
The days of house calls and getting to know your doctor very well seem to be gone (around here anyway). In a field that is so incredibly dependent on timing you'd think office time would be important.
It's said that timing is everything. That statement is true on many levels - winning a race, singing a song, opening your garage door, jumping out at a surprise party, getting that great shot when taking pictures, conceiving a child... Timing IS everything and God's timing is perfect. Sometimes it doesn't FEEL perfect and sometimes it's downright painful but it's perfect nonetheless.
Yesterday was the first time we'd been to church in a couple weeks. Last weekend we were out of town and the weekend before that Mr.G didn't feel well. Our pastor was starting a new sermon series entitled "Brotherhood" yesterday. Sounds great. No biggie right?
So we sit down and I realize that it's baby dedication day... awesome. Ok fine. There aren't TOO many this time around and the only ones we know are in Sunday school for this service so we're cool. It'll be fine.
Open up to the scripture our pastor is using for today and realize that it's about Jacob and Esau (Gen. 25: 19-34). Their mother, Rebekah, was infertile and their father, Isaac, prayed for TWENTY YEARS to have a baby and ended up with twins. TWENTY YEARS!!!!!!
The first bullet (sounds cliche but he's really not) is to "Pray and NEVER Give Up". Then he says he wants to pause and talk about what it's like to suffer from infertility and things that you shouldn't say to people struggling with it.
O_O I lost it.
Back around Mother's Day I emailed him about how much I appreciate his sensitivity about the issue (having 4 kids of his own he doesn't UNDERSTAND but he tries really hard which is awesome). He doesn't do the dreaded "all the women who are mothers stand..." crap that so many do but that's a different entry. His reply to my email was extremely short and didn't seem like he even bothered to read it. It didn't surprise me at the time. We're considered a "mega church" in our town so he's clearly a busy man.
His points about this subject came straight from the link I provided to him in my email.
By the time he starts the first one I know exactly where he got this information and I'm in PIECES. Another funny timing thing? I left my purse at my inlaws on Saturday so I have no purse and no tissue! Go figure right?!
I struggled to pull it together the entire rest of the service. By the end I THOUGHT I had enough composure to go up and talk to him about it but by the time we got up there all I could choke out was "thank you" when he looked at me. He hugged me and assured us that we weren't the only ones (duh) that there were about 10 other couples whom he knew of with IF situation.
God is sovereign and faithful. He doesn't give up on ME and His plan is better than any I could have come up with on my own. I need to start trusting, keep praying and never give up.
The notes in my bible say this (under Luke 18:1-8) "To persist in prayer and not give up does not mean endless repetition or painfully long prayer sessions. Constant prayer means keeping our requests continually before God as we live for Him day by day, believing He will answer. When we live by faith we are not to give up. God may delay answering, but His delays always have good reasons. As we persist in prayer, we grown in character, faith, and hope."
Here's to another cycle of character development and continued faith and hope! :)
This is foreign ground for me. I've never been through this before. It's unbelievable and devastating all at the same time. I feel like my heart is full of lead. I've worked at Job #2 since October 08 so I haven't known her long but I feel like I knew her well. She was always brought life to the room. She was fun to be around and always made me laugh. She made work not feel like a job.
Bronda was taken from us way too early. She was 23 - her life was just beginning. Just after midnight on Saturday night (Sunday morning) she was driving in an area she was unfamiliar with and drove her car straight off of a boat ramp into the Tennessee river. I breaks my heart thinking about what her last moments must have been like. Did she know what was going on? Did she panic? Was she conscious? Did she know Christ?
It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she's gone. It's not hard, it's next to impossible. I had just talk to her on Friday - complaining about something that seems totally futile now. She had been planning on dying the tips of her hair purple last night and now she's gone. Her hair would have looked cool with purple on the ends and it totally would have fit her personality.
I hope and pray that she's sitting in heaven right now because I refuse to think about the other option. I want to spend eternity laughing with my friend. I will miss you Bronda.
There are far too many times that I blog about nonsense, to blow of steam, or to just throw myself a pity party. Today has not been a walk in the park but I knew deep in my soul what I needed to do, what I had been missing. I had a complete meltdown today as my husband and I drove past a house whoes owners run a pumpkin patch from the front yard during the fall. I realized that we'd be there picking out pumpkins again this year, surrounded by cute families and adorable babies - but we wouldn't have any. It felt like someone had jumped on my chest and I just began to sob. Mr. G had no idea what was wrong so I tried to explain what I had seen/realized in between breaths. Reality check.
Let me start this next part by saying I have failed at being faithful in reading my Bible. I have failed miserably. Example? The devotional entry I'm going to tell you about is dated June 17. I don't even have the July book because we haven't been to church in two weeks - that's the kind of pathetic I am right now. Thankfully I have an amazing God who never runs out of forgiveness and loves me even in all my faults, doubts and moments of fear.
Before even opening anything I stop and pray. The fall on your face, ashamed and overwhelmed with sorrow for being so incredibly disobedient. That kind. I begged God to speak to me and to pick me up (again) dust me off (again) and pull me through this (again).
I opened up the devotional book (June 17) and begin to read. I obviously won't type the whole thing for you, because this post would be ginormous but if you'd like to read the whole thing let me know and I'd totally email it to you. There are a few excerpts I want to put in here though - so I remember then and to share them with you.
It starts talking about John 9:1-3 where Jesus and the disciples are talking about a man who was born blind. In those days afflictions of that nature were considered a punishment for a sin committed by someone down the line. Someone had to pay (Jesus hadn't done that yet) so it was for thinks like blindness, leprosy, maybe... infertility? (I don't know that for sure but that's clearly how I'm relating my life at this point to the story). Jesus explained to them that it wasn't a punishment at all but that the man was born that way so that God's glory could be seen through him.
Ok God, You've got my attention. I'm listening.
"Whatever our 'blindness' is, whatever our heartache is, when the final chapter closes on our lives on this fallen earth, we will know that all the pain, the heartache, the tears the struggle have been worth it.
When we ask 'Where's God when I'm hurting?' we forget the amazing future reward He has promised. Not only do we forget it, but we also underestimate it...
...So no matter what you're facing, don't give up! Your pain does not occur without a purpose. Cling to God in it, and know that in the process, you are showing the world who He is! And when the days on this earth are over, and God rewards you, you will know that it as all been worth it."
Um, yeah. If that's not God grabbing me and pulling me in I don't know what is. Wake up and pay attention. This isn't about me. It never has been. God has a purpose for this and it's ok that I don't know that purpose just yet. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I just haven't gotten there. I'm almost positive His purpose was to bring my closer to my mom - my ignorant and selfish sie thought that once I realized part of His plan I'd automatically get pregnant. Haha, not quite.
The verses that were added for deeper reading are some of my favorites and were already highlighted in my Bible.
"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed but not driven to despair. We are hunted down but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies." - 2 Corinthians 4: 7-10
It has been not even two years. No matter how hard my minds makes this seem I HAVE to cling to what I know is true and right. The only thing that will pull me through this has been there all along and I just keep looking around it. It's times like this that I realize how arrogant I can be.
Sorry if this was long and "preachy". I rarely post things like this in fear of pushing people away but I just had to tonight. I couldn't help but think that maybe my realization would help someone else - even if it's just one person. Sorry it got long that happens when I post late at night about something that's important to me. :)
If you made it to the end I love you (even if you didn't I still love you). I pray for each of you and promise to do so more than I have been. Thank you for your love and support through all of this. It means more than you will ever know.
(It really should say "STILL Not Pregnant" but I have yet to convince Clear Blue Easy to come out with an infertile design of HPTs. With my design if/when you get one that told you good news they'd say "FINALLY Pregnant!!!!" but you know... they don't get me.
Why is it that all you find are the pregnant ones when you google? I can't ever find the "Not Pregnant" ones - not even the one from Baby Mama! I figured I'd represent since no one else does and that's how I roll.)
So I went in to POAS. I had saved up some glorious pee for 4 hours and was ready to POAS because AF was clearly nowhere in sight. I wasn't even feeling crampy!
Went into the bathroom and found the last HPT I had that hasn't expired on me.
I did the dab/wipe test to be absolutely sure I wasn't spotting before wasting a test and having to see a BFN. Nothing. Ok. Fine.
POAS, capped it and set it on my little table in my toilet room. Finish peeing and wipe. Pink. Seriously?!?! Wipe again. More pink.
I didn't know WHAT to do so all I could do was start laughing and wait for the result to show up.
I accidentally didn't temp today. I honestly thought I had but it was a dream. I even told Mr. G that my temp went down below the coverline that's how vivid it was. WEIRD. My temp took a dive yesterday so I was SURE AF would show up last night/this morning. I even slept in a pad I was so sure.
According to FF I'm 17dpo. When I tested at 15dpo it was a bfn. I might be 15 dpo today because I may have ovulated later than FF says I did but still by 15dpo I've usually started my period. Usually when I test AF comes shortly after. It's a little game she likes to play. I don't get the humor in it but that's just her I guess.
I've been out of progesterone for 2 days now (another thing I thought would bring AF along) and still nothing.
I called the doctor and left a message with his nurse and called his home number but he's out of town until tomorrow night. If AF hasn't come yet I WILL be finding him at church on Sunday if his nurse doesn't help me or give me a decent answer.
I'm just tired of it. I have mentally moved on but my body didn't follow along.
A "My ute sucks present". :) I figure maybe I can coax it into working correctly. See ute? Now if you would let yourself get pregnant we could blog from the hospital and let all the sweet girlies out there read how great child birth is! How 'bout it? Please? Thanks to my sweet friend Mrs.Liberto for showing this to me and to for Woot.com being awesome. Should ship in 5 days. :)
::edit:: I wanted to add that an e-accquaintance (also having trouble TTC) said her husband calls such a gift as this a "consolation prize". That cracked me up. So sad, so true and so funny. :)
You are a failure. Tell your friend AF to hurry up and move it along because I am done playing games with both of you. I can't believe you're making me go through this again. You are late and I don't do late. Especially with a chart that looks like that. It's time. The game is over. Get your crap together and let's get this show on the road.
What the heck?! I'm FREEZING! It's below 70 here and it's been raining ALL DAY! Not fun for the 4th of July! We're enjoying our visit though and are looking forward to eating at Panera for dinner tonight :)
Tomorrow we're meeting an "efriend" for lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. We'll also be browsing at a super awesome mall. Good times.