Monday, April 6, 2009

I'm sitting here wondering

if the heartache will ever go away. I'm talking to a friend/colleague on facebook who just had a baby last week and I'm trying really hard to be excited for her and say nice things but every nice thing I say feels like a pin in my heart. They're sincere and all but keeping my chin up and pretending like I'm ok with not being a mommy too is painful. People just assume you aren't ready for kids when you don't have them yet - it never crosses their mind that maybe you DO want them it's just not working.

That hit me today taking a stupid IKEA email survey. There was a question about children in your house.

"How many children do you have?"
c)5+ (for octomom I guess)
d) none. I don't want children
e) None yet but we're planning to start a family in the next year.

Nice plan eh? Wouldn't it be cool if it worked that way? Hmm... I think I'll get pregnant this cycle so that our birthdays don't overlap or some bs like that. Ha. Yeah right.

I keep hoping this emotional issue will go away with time but I'm finally starting to believe that it will only get harder. Another cycle, another pregnant friend, another friend's baby...


Chatham said...

I can't make you feel better about it, but I can say that you are not alone. I have not related to a post so well in a very long time.

Big hugs to all of us in this crappy little boat.

Jessica Loves Trevor said...

Where's the option that says "None. My body sucks?"

I don't know if it ever gets easier, either, I keep hoping that it does, but getting used to being infertile doesn't exactly mean things are easier. I agree with Chatham, I identify with this post a lot. It sucks to be in this position, and it's heartbreaking. I know we'll all be moms eventually, regardless of the means, and that's really the only thing that keeps me going.