Saturday, March 7, 2009

Going down...

I'm just numb. I think I need to cry but I just can't. I'm so discontent and disappointed in everything right now I don't know what to do. I just want to hide and never come out again. I don't want people to see me and I definitely don't want to see people. If I could hide from myself I'd do that too so I'm trying to figure out a way to make that one work.

I'm tired of being this big. I'm tired of my face breaking out. I'm tired of getting my hopes up over and over. I'm tired of feeling like my prayers are going unanswered. I'm tired of living in this wretched town. I hate my job (I hate my chosen profession). I'm just ready to get something GOOD. I need some answers and solutions. I need a light at the end of the tunnel to look towards and this week it has been hard to hold on to hope.

So what do you do when you can't cry? I've been just sitting here. Numb. Nothing. I feel like I'm frozen. I don't want to do anything, I'm dying inside and I can't even cry. I guess my tears are spent and I need to find a different outlet.

I'm struggling with my walk with God. I have such a hole in my heart from a year and a half of TTC that I feel like I pray for a purpose, not just to have the relationship and communication with Him. How do I fix that? People tell me that tithing regularly has changed their lives - how do me make sure we do that without secretly hoping for something in return?

I got my very first "just relax and let it happen" last night - from a friend who got pg while on birth control. She even asked if I had tried OPKs. Seriously. This is one of many reasons why I haven't been telling IRL people. I don't want to deal with ignorance on the topic cause I can barely sort through the fact that it's happening in my own head let alone defend my heart from others' stupid comments. I guess I'll go back to keeping it to myself.

::pity party over::

I've been a huge butthole this week. Seriously. I've been grumpy every day and just extremely irritable. No reason for it - I guess it could be spring fever?

I've been volunteered to sing at someone's wedding (whom I don't even know) this afternoon. I don't appreciate being whored out like this and I didn't get a degree in music because I thought it was fun to sing for people to gush over how well I do (unlike my friend who has no musical experience and thinks he's the world's greatest singer). Then he told me I was supposed to act like I was professional. Excuse me, son. I AM the professional ::whispers:: and professionals get PAID::

I haven't painted my toenails since NYE! Seriously. I've got some work to do since it's over 70 today and I need to look presentable today! LOL

We're going on a double date tonight to Red Lobster. I'm excited. I've been looking forward to it all week long.

I need some breakfast and to start getting ready. Thanks for reading the crap I write (if anyone even made it this far). I hope everyone has a great weekend.