Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm in a race I'll never win!

I am SO worn out and SO tired. Working 2 jobs is CRAZY. I don't know why I ever thought this would be a good idea. I'm exhausted and I feel like I have no time to catch up with myself.

No news on the baby making front. We're hanging out until January (maybe February) because I finally got my butt in gear and signed up for Aflac. Now we have to wait till we clear the 10 month mark (it has to be in effect for 10 months before birth to work). It's ok though. I'm sure with all the stress I've been under we wouldn't have any luck anyway.

Sometimes I think I'm afraid to start trying again. I hate failing and even more than that I hate the wait. It's hard to be a waiting Christian that's what our pastor said in church Sunday. He was talking about the prophets Simeon and Anna - he talked about how they waited a LONG time to see Jesus. It really put things into perspective for me. Being impatient is selfish and worrying shows a lack of faith (both are things I REALLY need to work on).

Last week my friend had her baby boy. I went to see her in the hospital the day he was born and was able to hold him. I didn't pay attention to how difficult it was for me until I was driving away. I realized how badly I wanted to have to stay in the hospital room. How I wanted to have to say there and take care of him. How I wanted to take him home full of sleepless nights and dirty diapers.

Christmas has been hard on me this year. I never dreamed that we wouldn't have a little one (or one on the way) this Christmas. The song Away in a Manger kills me. I used to love that song and I know I will again but this year it hurts.

All this is self pitying and whiny. I'm sorry about that. I will update more later with some more cheerful funny stuff. I've got some material coming too cause I'm about to go take a nap before our tacky sweater party. Pictures will be on the way! :)

1 comment:

Danse said...

#1 - Everyone's allowed as many "whiny" posts as they need - you need to get it out.

#2 - ::hugs::

#3 - I'm jealous of your tacky sweater party. We're having a Christmas party Saturday - which I wanted to turn into a tacky sweater party - but felt bad about doing it since some of our friends are newly unemployed and don't need to be shelling out extra $ for a crappy sweater. It's on the plans for next year though ;oP