Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What a year!

I feel like I haven't been allowed to enjoy December this year. It's usually my favorite month with all of the anticipation of Christmas. Last year I worked a very laid back second job. They asked me when I WANTED to work each week and all I did was sit at the kioske and read while people looked at the games and toys that were for sale.

This year my second job has been kicking my tail and the store manager doesn't follow my availability AT ALL. I work WAY more than I requested to and whenever I work a shift I have to say WAY past the time I'm scheduled to leave work! It's ridiculous!

So here we are. Christmas Eve (technically). I'm torn. There's so much I'm thankful for - so much that I don't deserve in the first place but there's so much I long for everyday. I'm never content in the things that I should be content in and I lack motivation in the things that should get me moving.

I had a thought driving home tonight. First I was excited that it was before midnight and I was going home (lately it's been 1-2am that we're leaving). Then I realized that it's Christmas. Last year we had been TTC for just a few months. We had high hopes and were ignorantly assuming that getting pregnant would be a piece of cake. Everyone gets pregnant. Tons of people we know who didn't WANT to be pregnant were so surely it'd be simple for us too! We joked about making a baby at Christmas (our special Christmas present) as we had some fun while visiting my parents and staying in my old room. Our imaginary Christmas present baby would be 3 months old now.

I always find out that God knows better than me (not that it should be a surprise). He knows what's going on and more importantly He knows what's ahead that we can't see. For example I got all bent out of shape when I didn't get a solo I auditioned for in church choir. I was being stupid and imature about the entire situation and I was disappointed. Then I got really sick and couldn't even talk let alone sing right around the time of the big performances. Makes sense. He knew I was going to be getting sick so He said no.

God knows how stressed and tired I am right now. He knows the struggles my husband and I are having and His timing is perfect. Some how typing those words and admitting them to myself makes it more believable than when I just try to say them in my head. It's not our time and it's not our time for a reason. Our time will come and I (we) just need to wait for God's timing. Much harder to say (er... type) than it is to do.

2008 is almost over. It has been a hard year for many people I know. We get to start over in a week and 2009 WILL be a better year. Not that I'll get what I want or that my prayers will be answered the way that I want but I WILL be a better person from what I have learned this year. I will grow and become a stronger wiser person thanks to 2008.

Merry Christmas. Happy birthday baby Jesus. This time isn't about celebrating gifts we give each other or get from Santa Claus - it's about THE BEST GIFT EVER. Praise the Lord for the sacrifice He made to save us. That is the truest form of love ever.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm in a race I'll never win!

I am SO worn out and SO tired. Working 2 jobs is CRAZY. I don't know why I ever thought this would be a good idea. I'm exhausted and I feel like I have no time to catch up with myself.

No news on the baby making front. We're hanging out until January (maybe February) because I finally got my butt in gear and signed up for Aflac. Now we have to wait till we clear the 10 month mark (it has to be in effect for 10 months before birth to work). It's ok though. I'm sure with all the stress I've been under we wouldn't have any luck anyway.

Sometimes I think I'm afraid to start trying again. I hate failing and even more than that I hate the wait. It's hard to be a waiting Christian that's what our pastor said in church Sunday. He was talking about the prophets Simeon and Anna - he talked about how they waited a LONG time to see Jesus. It really put things into perspective for me. Being impatient is selfish and worrying shows a lack of faith (both are things I REALLY need to work on).

Last week my friend had her baby boy. I went to see her in the hospital the day he was born and was able to hold him. I didn't pay attention to how difficult it was for me until I was driving away. I realized how badly I wanted to have to stay in the hospital room. How I wanted to have to say there and take care of him. How I wanted to take him home full of sleepless nights and dirty diapers.

Christmas has been hard on me this year. I never dreamed that we wouldn't have a little one (or one on the way) this Christmas. The song Away in a Manger kills me. I used to love that song and I know I will again but this year it hurts.

All this is self pitying and whiny. I'm sorry about that. I will update more later with some more cheerful funny stuff. I've got some material coming too cause I'm about to go take a nap before our tacky sweater party. Pictures will be on the way! :)