Sunday, November 30, 2008

My heart hurts tonight

I was doing so well until I got the tree up and decorated. I was having fun, cleaning, decorating, laughing with DH...

I should have known the end of the night would come when the house would be quiet and I'd be left alone with my stupid thoughts and stupid emotions.

I love our house and our decorations are beautiful. The season is beautiful - Christmas is my favorite time of year. It's not about the presents or the family or anything it's about the spirit and more importantly the reason for the season.

So why is it that I am struggling with emotions now? I've been so good about pushing the thoughts away! The self pity, the jealousy, the longing, the pain... Now here I am. My heart is filled with extreme joy and extreme loneliness all at the same time.

I deserve this right?

I have so many questions and I feel like my answer is always "wait".

When is my turn?
When will my time be?
When will this void be filled?
How many more Christmases will I have to go through this?

So many people have been doing this longer than I have. So many people have felt the pain of having it and then losing it. Why am I being such a wuss about it? Why can't I suck it up and realize that I'm just being selfish? Get over it. It could be worse.

This sounds like a rambled mess so maybe I just need to go to bed.
Sorry if you wasted your time reading this - it probably wasn't worth it.
I'll try again soon.

2 comments:

♥Alicia♥ said...

My heart totally goes out to you when reading this. I know where you are coming from. I'll be praying God sends you strength and that you get all you hope for when His time is right. :)
God Bless!

Jen said...

I want you to know, that even though I haven't been around the "board" lately, I've been thinking about you and praying for you! Just know that you are thought of often!