Sunday, November 30, 2008

I have seen this before and found it again on another girl's blog. I need to post it here because I need it tonight.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I 'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

By Carol Wimmer

My heart hurts tonight

I was doing so well until I got the tree up and decorated. I was having fun, cleaning, decorating, laughing with DH...

I should have known the end of the night would come when the house would be quiet and I'd be left alone with my stupid thoughts and stupid emotions.

I love our house and our decorations are beautiful. The season is beautiful - Christmas is my favorite time of year. It's not about the presents or the family or anything it's about the spirit and more importantly the reason for the season.

So why is it that I am struggling with emotions now? I've been so good about pushing the thoughts away! The self pity, the jealousy, the longing, the pain... Now here I am. My heart is filled with extreme joy and extreme loneliness all at the same time.

I deserve this right?

I have so many questions and I feel like my answer is always "wait".

When is my turn?
When will my time be?
When will this void be filled?
How many more Christmases will I have to go through this?

So many people have been doing this longer than I have. So many people have felt the pain of having it and then losing it. Why am I being such a wuss about it? Why can't I suck it up and realize that I'm just being selfish? Get over it. It could be worse.

This sounds like a rambled mess so maybe I just need to go to bed.
Sorry if you wasted your time reading this - it probably wasn't worth it.
I'll try again soon.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

This day is going to be crazy.

I literally didn't fall asleep until 3am or after last night.

Now I'm up and Mr. G keeps calling with things that need to be done today.

I took 1.5 doses of my Rx cough medicine (which has hydrocodone in it) hoping I could sleep some more then he started calling with all of this stuff.

Now I'm sitting here any my arms feel like they're floating so I've got no idea what it'll be like when I stand up and start moving around.

I need to eat something. lol

New

I need to fix the header but it's far too late for that today. I'm sure I'll need to procrastinate sometime in the near future. It won't be TOO fancy since this is seasonal but you know. It's boring :)

I wanted to expand the direction of my blog. It's too focused on TTC and it was depressing me. I'm going to make it a blog of fun-ness and "good things" type stuff (in addition to TTC things of course).

So to get things started -shots in the hip SUCK. My hip STILL hurts after the shot this evening and it's not cool. The stick wasn't the problem it was her pushing that hot pink medicine into me that kills. :( I've been sick for a WHILE now so I need to get better but this isn't the most fun.

Now that it's 2:38 am CST I think I need to try again with sleeping.
Night!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Apathetic

I don't know what's going on but I have no feelings towards becoming pregnant right now. I wonder if this is normal after trying for so long and having trouble.

That's all I've got for now. I've been tagged so I'll be back to update sometime but now I need to shower and get to the doctor since I'm STILL sick :(


Friday, November 14, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The waiting.

I'm in time-out. I'm grounded. We can't TTC again until the doctor gets my thyroid under control. There's no telling how long it'll take so I'm just trying to be patient and focus on figuring other things out while I wait. At first I was discouraged but after hearing from other girls who have thyroid issues I'm feeling better about it and I'm glad that we found it now not while I was pregnant. One of the things I'm working on is I'm going to get set up with short term disability insurance so when I do get pregnant I'll have some additional coverage. (I feel like I typed that before and didn't check my other entries before starting here. Oops!)

I have found a sensitive issue that I didn't realize affected me before now. When people use the term "oops" for pregnancies that weren't planned it drives me CRAZY. I feel much better about people saying "surprise" because it has a more positive connotation. I mean it might have been an accident that you got pregnant but "oops" sounds like it was a mistake - something you regret. How heart breaking for anyone to consider a new life a mistake. Maybe that's the IF talking in me, maybe it's the fact that I'm adopted and feel as if I was an "oops" myself but it really hurts my heart to have people say that.

I've been blessed by fall colors lately. Driving around seeing beautiful oranges, reds and yellows. This is my favorite time of year for sure. I normally don't get to experience the beauty of fall where I live because they don't get an early frost but this year we did! I feel like during the summer and the "green" seasons we forget to acknowledge the beauty God has on display for us. It's all around us but we fail to appreciate it (at least I know I do!). I'm so thankful to have that love and to know it's real. It might seem strange to those who don't understand but seeing gorgeous colors on the trees helps me with my waiting. It gives me hope and reminds me that I'm not alone and that there is a plan. It may not be MY timing but it is the PERFECT timing (something I can't even fathom).