Friday, October 24, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Lab work update

This doctor's office is GREAT with getting information back to us in a timely manner. Everyone there is very sweet and helpful. I love it. Here are the results from my lab work.

Hypothyroidism - Apparently my tests said I have hypothyroidism and I'll be going on synthroid to take care of that. Funny that I had that checked MUCH earlier this summer and the doctor told me I didn't have it. They don't want me to get pregnant until we get the thyroid thing under control.

Progesterone Levels - He said I didn't ovulate because my Prog. levels were 10.5. The nurse told me the "normal" level showing ovulation was 11 but it could be different for some people. I told her I took an OPK (getting positives) and my temp spiked. She said she'd tell the doctor that.

PCOS - Right now I'm borderline PCOS but he thinks that may be from the hypothyroidism. He'll check for that again when I go back in a month to see if the thyroid issue is fixed yet.

So in one month after I'm out of synthroid I have to go back to have the lab work done again to see if my thyroid is regulated. She said it may take a little while to get the synthroid levels just right (I have no idea how long "a little while" is).

I'm not supposed to get pregnant until then so I guess I'm off for a month. This'll give me time to sign up for temporary disability insurance so that's one good thing.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Tired and broken

What a trying 2 weeks this has been. I don't have any words to say that would be worth anyone's time. They'd probably be a mess to get through and probably wouldn't make any sense (not that it's different any other time I write). I'm going to avoid an emotional explosion and keep the pity party to myself tonight. I had my blood work done today. No results for a few days. Life is wasted by waiting. I admitted to a friend today that I am struggling with infertility. Somehow it gets easier every time I say it but harder every time I think about it. I never wanted this to be part of my vocabulary. I'm shaking and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest so I'm going to stop here and post 2 things that mean the world to me right now. I just can't do it tonight.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing



Saturday, October 18, 2008

NIAW


One more thing before I go. National Infertility Awareness Week starts tomorrow. You never think that it'll happen to you and when it does it comes out of nowhere. There was a mini-debate last night on BOTB about what the definition of IF really is. I don't know what the perfect definition is but that's not the point. The point is that we need to support each other regardless.

I saw the word written on my paperwork at the doctor's office and that's when it hit me. None of it seems fair. I was adopted (and clearly unwanted?) so why is it that I WANT a child but I can't seem to have one? That's so hard to digest and comprehend. It's painful.

So please pray for use this week. Tell someone who you know is struggling that you're there for them - even if you don't understand what they're going through.

xoxo

The insanity continues.

This has felt like the longest week EVER. I'm sure the one coming up will be even worse cause that's what the two-week wait does to a girl. At least I'm on fall break until Wednesday!

I had a scare this week. Tuesday I had some nastycrazyweird CM that I passed. Dr. R had told me there might be a clog that would break loose with the HSG but I had no idea it what it would look like or how long it would take to come out. I'm not 100% sure but I think it looked very similar to a mucus plug. Anyway it was nasty and I will spare the revolting details.

The scary part came that day cause the doctor's office called and had "Some stuff to go over with me". Yikes. That's never what you want to hear. It turned out to be nothing (praise the Lord). The girl just wanted to tell me that Dr. R wanted to do some fasting labs in addition to the progesterone level check on Monday. I have no idea what they're looking for by doing those labs - all I know is that I can't eat Sunday night and Monday before I go in for the appointment.

I have no idea why but I've had an extremely emotional week. Wednesday I was weepy and crying about crap that shouldn't really matter. I felt like a failure in every area of my life and couldn't keep the emotions down to save my life! Thursday and Friday were better but the first half of the week was ROUGH.

This weekend I'm cleaning house, purging crap to sell in our garage sale that we're having next week and enjoying my fall break. I need to get myself together before Wednesday for sure!

Sunday's sermon was great and in Sunday school we talked about Silence and Solitude. This is something I don't have enough of in my life. I told C the other day that I'd love to get rid of my cell phone. That'd cut out a pretty big bill in our budget and it'd be nice to be unavailable sometimes! He thought I was crazy. I've failed at putting more solitude in my life so far this week but I'm making it a goal for the future.

I think I ovulated this week so I should be in the dreaded torture of the two week wait. Maybe this is it.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Eventful week in the G hizzie!

What a whirlwind! This week I finally came to terms with the fact that I'm suffering from IF. It's been over a year now and like I said before (I think) I have a feeling it's going to take us a while.

Doctor visit extravaganza started with my OB appointment on Wednesday. Meeting a new doctor is SO stressful! I was nervous and awkward and I just hate it. Luckily my good friend recommended her OB to me and he was GREAT. I wasn't sure how I'd handle a man digging around in my vag but it didn't bother me one bit once I got there. He talked to me a lot before he did my "yearly exam" (I hate the words pap smear for some reason). He was VERY nice and when he did the exam it was 100 times better than any other I've had. That day was virtually pain free! Dr. R ordered an SA for C and an HSG and progesterone level check for me.

C took his swim test the next day and they got the results back within 2 hours of him taking his team to the lab! I was stunned! He has plenty of swimmers and they're in good shape they're just a little slow. Good news!

Continuing the vag fest I went in to the hospital yesterday to have my HSG done. I had heard different ends of the pain spectrum on this test so I was preparing for the worst - not to mention being nervous anyway. After nearly breaking down from hearing a lullaby tune played each time a baby was born and waiting FOREVER I was finally taken back to the x-ray room. I wasn't sure if Dr. R would be there so that had me even a little more on edge about the whole thing. Got the gown, stripped down below the waist and walked out of the bathroom to see Dr. R. Wonderful! What a relief!

Ok now. I'm going into detail on this so I remember the experience (as if I could forget it) and to help anyone who reads this. They stick the speculum in there and click it open. It felt like he could have stuffed a lemon up there he clicked it so far - but no big deal. He washed it out with iodine (I think? or a relative of iodine) - not TOO bad. It was a little worse than the pap. Then... omg.

He's a very friendly guy with a great sense of humor which is perfect for me. He says (right before he does this) "I promise you this is just a tiny tube. Some people say it feels like a freight train". Greeeeeeeeeeeat. I was not a tiny tube person. Had the x-ray machine not been right over me I probably would have been off the table. I have a high pain threshold after years and years of horrid cramps so this was astounding to me.

Dr. R - "Are you feeling cramping?"
Mrs. G - "Yea just a little" (wimpered through breaths)

He had xray girl take pictures and when he was done he showed them to me. The tubes are CLEAR! I was still in a LOT of pain when I was getting dressed and leaving. I started getting that feeling like you're going to throw up and/or pass out as I was leaving the hospital but I was too embarrassed to go back and tell anyone. I'm on my way out debating if I can make it or if I should stop in the nearest bathroom and puke. As I approached the restroom by the door to freedom I see 2 housekeeping people standing at the door with their cart. CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOMEHOW I made it out to my car and sat there doubled over holding my steering wheel a few minutes before driving home. Then as I was driving I kept feeling like I was going to fall asleep. You know the feeling like you're falling that jolts you awake while you're sleeping? Ok I was getting that as I was driving down the road - and I wasn't sleeping! Weird.

Next up - Progesterone levels on October 20th!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sent

Sometimes I find things that make me feel overwhelmingly selfish and ungrateful. I've been recently introduced to Stacy's blog and I found myself in the middle of one of those times. I admire her strength and faith in God so much that it is inspiring. How can I complain about things and be down about things when other people are going through MUCH harder things than I am? How selfish is that? How terrible is it that I feel myself losing hope when I know that a powerful and faithful God loves me and has my every breath in the palm of His hand?

So I've been reading Stacy's blog today on my day "off" at school. I get this great day to plan for the next 2 weeks of teaching because at the larger of my two schools I have NO planning time whatsoever. I'm finished planning what I'll be doing so I'm reading her story. One of her entries is about the following excerpt called Sent. It's convicting and inspiring. It's exactly what I needed today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sent
by John Fischer

Sometimes I act as if I'm just muddling through life. I'm lucky if I make it through a day. People ask me how I'm doing and I hear myself say -- even to fellow Christians -- "Oh, I'm hanging in there, just barely." Then I remember Christ praying to the Father: "As you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world," and I have to ask myself: Do I sound like someone who has been "sent?"

If I have been sent, then I am on a mission, and if I am on a mission, how can I just be muddling through life? Somehow I don't think muddling is in my mission statement.

I'm thinking of Paul in 2 Corinthians 2:14-17 where he says that he is always being lead in a public display and is manifesting, wherever he goes, something real about the nature of his faith in Christ, and it is always having an effect on people, and I realize God can accomplish this mission in spite of what is currently happening in my life. Paul even makes this statement right after he has confessed his anxiety over plans not going as expected (verses 12-13). Even then, he could still say he was being lead on a mission.

That means nothing can stop us because nothing can stop God's work in our lives. It would be great today if when people ask how I am, I could say, even if it's just to myself, "I'm on a mission," because I am. I'm on a mission to love God today with all my heart, and let that love reflect in all I do. I'm on a mission to love those closest to me -- to be ruled by care and compassion. I'm on a mission to tell my story to anyone who wants to hear it. I'm on a mission to manifest the fragrance of the knowledge of Christ wherever I go. All this can happen regardless of the circumstances in my life. I don't get to muddle through anything.

In the movie "Saving Private Ryan," a platoon of men in World War II are on a mission to find Private Ryan and bring him home. Sometimes they struggle with their mission. Some of them almost abandon it, but as long as they are moving with the mission of the group, they are all in on it. They were sent.

How about you today? Have you been sent? Then you aren't just hanging in there; you are on a mission. Be aware of it today, and look for what God has for you, because you were sent.


Reassurance

Sanctus Real - Whatever You’re Doing
From the album We Need Each Other

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything – I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out