Thursday, September 4, 2008

One Year

It has been one year since I have been off BCP. You live your young life terrified that you'll become pregnant when it's not part of the plan but when you're ready you find it's harder than you ever imagined. We were sure that not using birth control would leave us with a little miracle. We thought it would be simple. People who don't use protection, get pregnant. That's what you see everywhere, right? Rude awakening. One year down. I'm anxious and terrified at the same time to know what's ahead of us in this journey. The excitement has faded away. I creep closer to despair with each passing cycle. It's almost like I'm scared to really start trying again because the disappointment is so overwhelming.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm more sensitive to it these days or if people are really reproducing more around me, but I can't escape it. I can't even get rid of it in my own home because the TV and internet invade my babyless home everyday. Even politics has babies and pregnancies (surprise and planned) laced through it. We're in the middle of some of the most important political crap ever and the teenage daughter of a politician is pregnant. Yet another invasion.

I'm ready to find the answer to stop the process of getting my hopes up just to be let down again. Where does the cycle stop? When do you become immune to the letdown? I thought it might get easier after a while but it hasn't.

I never dreamed this is where I'd be. We're going to start "actively" trying again soon. I know I need to give it to God and I know that He's in charge. Patience is hard and not knowing is hard but we'll get through it. I just have to keep taking one day at a time and trust that He has a far greater plan than I am capable of understanding right now.