Saturday, September 27, 2008

I fell for it.

It has been a wild and sad week in the lives of my internet friends. There has been heartbreak running ramped. It's unbelievable how attached to strangers I have become. It's like my secret world that, at times (many times lately), has become more important than true life. I feel connected to these women as if I've known them for years. They support each other and grieve with each other through a keyboard and a screen. It's truly amazing and exceedingly more thankful for my silly addiction every single day.

I'm waiting for my next cycle to start. My chart looked great until this morning then my temperatures took a dive. I did my best not to get my hopes up - I was borderline pessimistic all week long. I don't understand why, but I'm holding on to that glimmer of hope until I actually see proof of the next cycle starting. Ridiculous. I fell for it again. I've cried so many times this week. I feel trapped or like I'm running in circles.

I have this undeniable feeling that C and I are going to have a really rough road having children. I'm going to get tested and have all the goods checked out soon so I haven't been diagnosed with anything but I just have this feeling. I think it's a test of my faith to be honest. God knows my heart better than I do and He knows that I haven't given this issue completely over to Him. He also knows I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. I long to feel connected to someone in the way that I dream family members do.

I think being adopted makes my desire to have children 1,000 times stronger. I hope to adopt a child (children?) someday but I also want some of my own. Maybe it's selfish but there's an emptiness in my heart there. It's like a void that I'm hoping being a mother can fill. I'd love to search for my birth mother. I wonder all the time where she is, what she's doing and why she gave me up. It makes me sick that I was an unwanted/unexpected pregnancy but I've been trying for over a year with no success.

In the mean time - I'm going to try to focus more on my prayer life. I need that continuous open conversation with God. Raw, honest, laying my heart out conversation. I also need to get on top of things with my career and home! We're going to have a yard sale soon and I need to get rid of some serious crap! I need to pull it together and get organized at school too.

1 comment:

Danse said...

I'm sorry Mrs.G, I know how much it sucks to have your hopes crushed when your temps take a nose dive.