Sunday, September 28, 2008

Not as bad as I thought.

I think there's a reason I've been starting my cycles on Sundays. Today in worship we sang some amazing songs. Here are some lyrics from the songs we sang today. Music is my love and passion so it's incredibly important to me. These songs help me get through tough times so I wanted to share them to possibly help you too.

I Will Sing Praise
WRITTEN BY: Michael Popham and Regi Stone
ARRANGED BY: Russell Mauldin

I will sing praise, I will lift my voice,
I will sing praise, I’ve made my choice.
I will sing praise in all I do.
I will sing praise to you.

No matter the storms that come my way,
No matter the trials I may face,
You promised that you would see me through.
So, I will trust in You.

Thou, Oh Lord

Many are they increased that troubled me
Many are they that rise up against me
Many there be which say of my soul
There is no help for him in God

But thou, oh Lord are a shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head
Thou, oh Lord are shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head

I cried unto the Lord with my voice
And He heard me out of His holy ear
I laid me down and slept and awake
For the Lord sustained, the Lord sustained me

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I fell for it.

It has been a wild and sad week in the lives of my internet friends. There has been heartbreak running ramped. It's unbelievable how attached to strangers I have become. It's like my secret world that, at times (many times lately), has become more important than true life. I feel connected to these women as if I've known them for years. They support each other and grieve with each other through a keyboard and a screen. It's truly amazing and exceedingly more thankful for my silly addiction every single day.

I'm waiting for my next cycle to start. My chart looked great until this morning then my temperatures took a dive. I did my best not to get my hopes up - I was borderline pessimistic all week long. I don't understand why, but I'm holding on to that glimmer of hope until I actually see proof of the next cycle starting. Ridiculous. I fell for it again. I've cried so many times this week. I feel trapped or like I'm running in circles.

I have this undeniable feeling that C and I are going to have a really rough road having children. I'm going to get tested and have all the goods checked out soon so I haven't been diagnosed with anything but I just have this feeling. I think it's a test of my faith to be honest. God knows my heart better than I do and He knows that I haven't given this issue completely over to Him. He also knows I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. I long to feel connected to someone in the way that I dream family members do.

I think being adopted makes my desire to have children 1,000 times stronger. I hope to adopt a child (children?) someday but I also want some of my own. Maybe it's selfish but there's an emptiness in my heart there. It's like a void that I'm hoping being a mother can fill. I'd love to search for my birth mother. I wonder all the time where she is, what she's doing and why she gave me up. It makes me sick that I was an unwanted/unexpected pregnancy but I've been trying for over a year with no success.

In the mean time - I'm going to try to focus more on my prayer life. I need that continuous open conversation with God. Raw, honest, laying my heart out conversation. I also need to get on top of things with my career and home! We're going to have a yard sale soon and I need to get rid of some serious crap! I need to pull it together and get organized at school too.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

One Year

It has been one year since I have been off BCP. You live your young life terrified that you'll become pregnant when it's not part of the plan but when you're ready you find it's harder than you ever imagined. We were sure that not using birth control would leave us with a little miracle. We thought it would be simple. People who don't use protection, get pregnant. That's what you see everywhere, right? Rude awakening. One year down. I'm anxious and terrified at the same time to know what's ahead of us in this journey. The excitement has faded away. I creep closer to despair with each passing cycle. It's almost like I'm scared to really start trying again because the disappointment is so overwhelming.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm more sensitive to it these days or if people are really reproducing more around me, but I can't escape it. I can't even get rid of it in my own home because the TV and internet invade my babyless home everyday. Even politics has babies and pregnancies (surprise and planned) laced through it. We're in the middle of some of the most important political crap ever and the teenage daughter of a politician is pregnant. Yet another invasion.

I'm ready to find the answer to stop the process of getting my hopes up just to be let down again. Where does the cycle stop? When do you become immune to the letdown? I thought it might get easier after a while but it hasn't.

I never dreamed this is where I'd be. We're going to start "actively" trying again soon. I know I need to give it to God and I know that He's in charge. Patience is hard and not knowing is hard but we'll get through it. I just have to keep taking one day at a time and trust that He has a far greater plan than I am capable of understanding right now.