Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Long cycle

So I used to have pretty regular cycles. Lately they've been getting longer little by little. I really need to read more about this - I have yet to read TCOYF and probably need to since my cycles are changing.

School started and I finally taught my first day of classes. I was extremely nervous going into today and worried about everything imaginable and more. Once I got into my first class it's like I snapped back into gear and the rest of the day was great! I had K-4 today and tomorrow I should have my first Pre-K class. It's a totally different world teaching elementary instead of middle schoolers. I really think I'm going to enjoy this a LOT more.

Today I was walking down the hallway to find out if preschool was in the building today or not. It turns out that they hadn't started yet so I had an extra half hour free in my day. A lady heard me asking about preschool and as I continued walking down the hall she asked me if I was a parent. It hadn't dawned on me that I could easily be the parent of a preschooler until that moment. I smiled politely and explained that I was just the music teacher - holding back strings of emotional words about how I wish I WERE a parent and how I probably deserved to be one more than many of the parents whose children I'll be teaching!

I was talking to the 1st grade class I had today and was asking them why they thought it was important to listen to their teachers and parents. One little girl raised her hand and said it was to keep them safe and so we could take care of them. Instantly another girl raised her hand and said she took care of her mom. Kids have wild imaginations but knowing the family lives of students I've had in the past, I didn't doubt her for a second. It broke my heart that she was probably barely 6 years old and is already taking care of her mother.

So, while I wait to ovulate (haha) or at least move on to a different schedule I'll spend my days loving every child that comes into my path. That's one of the best parts of being around the younger kids. Most of them (if not all) are still reachable. Most of the troubled older kids were so hardened by their life experiences it was next to impossible to reach out to them and show them love. The odds are in my favor now.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

To try or not to try...

Sometimes being a "grown-up" sucks. Big time. We wanted to start trying at the end of last summer but when DH and I both started to contemplate career/job changes we put things on hold for insurance/financial purposes. Now we really want to try again but I'm still feeling uncertain about it.

Where's that easy button from the Staples commercials? Do they make one for TTC?

Monday, August 4, 2008

Back to school...

I can't believe the calendar year's over half over now! This summer flew by a million times faster than the spring did that's for sure! I've started working at a couple new schools and I was hoping my new positions would help keep my mind off of baby things for a little while until we finalize our insurance and stuff. No such luck. There's a teacher at one school who's due the first week in September. Wonderful for her - her belly's adorable and she looks great (doesn't even look like she's ready to pop!). Too bad for me that my uterus will have a convulsion every time I see her. I'm sure seeing the little kids (I'll get Pre-K and Kindergarten too) will do a number on me as well.

It's hard to be patient and to grin and bear it while others around you are happily popping out babies all over the place. Such a trying time in life. I never knew it'd be so hard. You worry so much about NOT getting pregnant when the timing isn't right that it's unbelievable that it doesn't happen in a New York minute when you ARE ready.

I feel redundant even typing this crap because I know it's the same story for thousands of women across the world. It's just hard to wrap your mind around it when someone else's story becomes yours too.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

the baby borrowers

Last weekend I struggled after we were finished babysitting. I had a lot fun and it was awesome playing mommy for the weekend. When she left it felt like there was something missing in our home. I could seriously do this. I've always dreamt of being a mom. Having a chance to do it right. I don't get along with my mother and she made life really hard on me emotionally while I was growing up. I'm ready to take a shot at it myself.

We had tons of fun and much of our days were spent like this...

...cuddling, exploring, looking for the dogs, running from the dogs (she loved them and wanted to be able to SEE them at all times but when they came close and tried to give her kisses she'd say "NO!" and try to push them away),

Trying to kiss Zoey - not sure if Zoey liked it.

watching the fish and learning new words. I got to take her to the mall with me and she was perfect (a natural shopper). We took her to church with us - again, perfect. The couple in front of us told us how great and beautiful our baby was. She was so quiet they didn't even know she was there. We smiled politely thanked them and explained that she wasn't ours.

It was amazing.

I'm so ready for this.