Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What a year!

I feel like I haven't been allowed to enjoy December this year. It's usually my favorite month with all of the anticipation of Christmas. Last year I worked a very laid back second job. They asked me when I WANTED to work each week and all I did was sit at the kioske and read while people looked at the games and toys that were for sale.

This year my second job has been kicking my tail and the store manager doesn't follow my availability AT ALL. I work WAY more than I requested to and whenever I work a shift I have to say WAY past the time I'm scheduled to leave work! It's ridiculous!

So here we are. Christmas Eve (technically). I'm torn. There's so much I'm thankful for - so much that I don't deserve in the first place but there's so much I long for everyday. I'm never content in the things that I should be content in and I lack motivation in the things that should get me moving.

I had a thought driving home tonight. First I was excited that it was before midnight and I was going home (lately it's been 1-2am that we're leaving). Then I realized that it's Christmas. Last year we had been TTC for just a few months. We had high hopes and were ignorantly assuming that getting pregnant would be a piece of cake. Everyone gets pregnant. Tons of people we know who didn't WANT to be pregnant were so surely it'd be simple for us too! We joked about making a baby at Christmas (our special Christmas present) as we had some fun while visiting my parents and staying in my old room. Our imaginary Christmas present baby would be 3 months old now.

I always find out that God knows better than me (not that it should be a surprise). He knows what's going on and more importantly He knows what's ahead that we can't see. For example I got all bent out of shape when I didn't get a solo I auditioned for in church choir. I was being stupid and imature about the entire situation and I was disappointed. Then I got really sick and couldn't even talk let alone sing right around the time of the big performances. Makes sense. He knew I was going to be getting sick so He said no.

God knows how stressed and tired I am right now. He knows the struggles my husband and I are having and His timing is perfect. Some how typing those words and admitting them to myself makes it more believable than when I just try to say them in my head. It's not our time and it's not our time for a reason. Our time will come and I (we) just need to wait for God's timing. Much harder to say (er... type) than it is to do.

2008 is almost over. It has been a hard year for many people I know. We get to start over in a week and 2009 WILL be a better year. Not that I'll get what I want or that my prayers will be answered the way that I want but I WILL be a better person from what I have learned this year. I will grow and become a stronger wiser person thanks to 2008.

Merry Christmas. Happy birthday baby Jesus. This time isn't about celebrating gifts we give each other or get from Santa Claus - it's about THE BEST GIFT EVER. Praise the Lord for the sacrifice He made to save us. That is the truest form of love ever.





Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm in a race I'll never win!

I am SO worn out and SO tired. Working 2 jobs is CRAZY. I don't know why I ever thought this would be a good idea. I'm exhausted and I feel like I have no time to catch up with myself.

No news on the baby making front. We're hanging out until January (maybe February) because I finally got my butt in gear and signed up for Aflac. Now we have to wait till we clear the 10 month mark (it has to be in effect for 10 months before birth to work). It's ok though. I'm sure with all the stress I've been under we wouldn't have any luck anyway.

Sometimes I think I'm afraid to start trying again. I hate failing and even more than that I hate the wait. It's hard to be a waiting Christian that's what our pastor said in church Sunday. He was talking about the prophets Simeon and Anna - he talked about how they waited a LONG time to see Jesus. It really put things into perspective for me. Being impatient is selfish and worrying shows a lack of faith (both are things I REALLY need to work on).

Last week my friend had her baby boy. I went to see her in the hospital the day he was born and was able to hold him. I didn't pay attention to how difficult it was for me until I was driving away. I realized how badly I wanted to have to stay in the hospital room. How I wanted to have to say there and take care of him. How I wanted to take him home full of sleepless nights and dirty diapers.

Christmas has been hard on me this year. I never dreamed that we wouldn't have a little one (or one on the way) this Christmas. The song Away in a Manger kills me. I used to love that song and I know I will again but this year it hurts.

All this is self pitying and whiny. I'm sorry about that. I will update more later with some more cheerful funny stuff. I've got some material coming too cause I'm about to go take a nap before our tacky sweater party. Pictures will be on the way! :)

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I have seen this before and found it again on another girl's blog. I need to post it here because I need it tonight.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I 'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

By Carol Wimmer

My heart hurts tonight

I was doing so well until I got the tree up and decorated. I was having fun, cleaning, decorating, laughing with DH...

I should have known the end of the night would come when the house would be quiet and I'd be left alone with my stupid thoughts and stupid emotions.

I love our house and our decorations are beautiful. The season is beautiful - Christmas is my favorite time of year. It's not about the presents or the family or anything it's about the spirit and more importantly the reason for the season.

So why is it that I am struggling with emotions now? I've been so good about pushing the thoughts away! The self pity, the jealousy, the longing, the pain... Now here I am. My heart is filled with extreme joy and extreme loneliness all at the same time.

I deserve this right?

I have so many questions and I feel like my answer is always "wait".

When is my turn?
When will my time be?
When will this void be filled?
How many more Christmases will I have to go through this?

So many people have been doing this longer than I have. So many people have felt the pain of having it and then losing it. Why am I being such a wuss about it? Why can't I suck it up and realize that I'm just being selfish? Get over it. It could be worse.

This sounds like a rambled mess so maybe I just need to go to bed.
Sorry if you wasted your time reading this - it probably wasn't worth it.
I'll try again soon.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

This day is going to be crazy.

I literally didn't fall asleep until 3am or after last night.

Now I'm up and Mr. G keeps calling with things that need to be done today.

I took 1.5 doses of my Rx cough medicine (which has hydrocodone in it) hoping I could sleep some more then he started calling with all of this stuff.

Now I'm sitting here any my arms feel like they're floating so I've got no idea what it'll be like when I stand up and start moving around.

I need to eat something. lol

New

I need to fix the header but it's far too late for that today. I'm sure I'll need to procrastinate sometime in the near future. It won't be TOO fancy since this is seasonal but you know. It's boring :)

I wanted to expand the direction of my blog. It's too focused on TTC and it was depressing me. I'm going to make it a blog of fun-ness and "good things" type stuff (in addition to TTC things of course).

So to get things started -shots in the hip SUCK. My hip STILL hurts after the shot this evening and it's not cool. The stick wasn't the problem it was her pushing that hot pink medicine into me that kills. :( I've been sick for a WHILE now so I need to get better but this isn't the most fun.

Now that it's 2:38 am CST I think I need to try again with sleeping.
Night!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Apathetic

I don't know what's going on but I have no feelings towards becoming pregnant right now. I wonder if this is normal after trying for so long and having trouble.

That's all I've got for now. I've been tagged so I'll be back to update sometime but now I need to shower and get to the doctor since I'm STILL sick :(


Friday, November 14, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The waiting.

I'm in time-out. I'm grounded. We can't TTC again until the doctor gets my thyroid under control. There's no telling how long it'll take so I'm just trying to be patient and focus on figuring other things out while I wait. At first I was discouraged but after hearing from other girls who have thyroid issues I'm feeling better about it and I'm glad that we found it now not while I was pregnant. One of the things I'm working on is I'm going to get set up with short term disability insurance so when I do get pregnant I'll have some additional coverage. (I feel like I typed that before and didn't check my other entries before starting here. Oops!)

I have found a sensitive issue that I didn't realize affected me before now. When people use the term "oops" for pregnancies that weren't planned it drives me CRAZY. I feel much better about people saying "surprise" because it has a more positive connotation. I mean it might have been an accident that you got pregnant but "oops" sounds like it was a mistake - something you regret. How heart breaking for anyone to consider a new life a mistake. Maybe that's the IF talking in me, maybe it's the fact that I'm adopted and feel as if I was an "oops" myself but it really hurts my heart to have people say that.

I've been blessed by fall colors lately. Driving around seeing beautiful oranges, reds and yellows. This is my favorite time of year for sure. I normally don't get to experience the beauty of fall where I live because they don't get an early frost but this year we did! I feel like during the summer and the "green" seasons we forget to acknowledge the beauty God has on display for us. It's all around us but we fail to appreciate it (at least I know I do!). I'm so thankful to have that love and to know it's real. It might seem strange to those who don't understand but seeing gorgeous colors on the trees helps me with my waiting. It gives me hope and reminds me that I'm not alone and that there is a plan. It may not be MY timing but it is the PERFECT timing (something I can't even fathom).


Friday, October 24, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Lab work update

This doctor's office is GREAT with getting information back to us in a timely manner. Everyone there is very sweet and helpful. I love it. Here are the results from my lab work.

Hypothyroidism - Apparently my tests said I have hypothyroidism and I'll be going on synthroid to take care of that. Funny that I had that checked MUCH earlier this summer and the doctor told me I didn't have it. They don't want me to get pregnant until we get the thyroid thing under control.

Progesterone Levels - He said I didn't ovulate because my Prog. levels were 10.5. The nurse told me the "normal" level showing ovulation was 11 but it could be different for some people. I told her I took an OPK (getting positives) and my temp spiked. She said she'd tell the doctor that.

PCOS - Right now I'm borderline PCOS but he thinks that may be from the hypothyroidism. He'll check for that again when I go back in a month to see if the thyroid issue is fixed yet.

So in one month after I'm out of synthroid I have to go back to have the lab work done again to see if my thyroid is regulated. She said it may take a little while to get the synthroid levels just right (I have no idea how long "a little while" is).

I'm not supposed to get pregnant until then so I guess I'm off for a month. This'll give me time to sign up for temporary disability insurance so that's one good thing.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Tired and broken

What a trying 2 weeks this has been. I don't have any words to say that would be worth anyone's time. They'd probably be a mess to get through and probably wouldn't make any sense (not that it's different any other time I write). I'm going to avoid an emotional explosion and keep the pity party to myself tonight. I had my blood work done today. No results for a few days. Life is wasted by waiting. I admitted to a friend today that I am struggling with infertility. Somehow it gets easier every time I say it but harder every time I think about it. I never wanted this to be part of my vocabulary. I'm shaking and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest so I'm going to stop here and post 2 things that mean the world to me right now. I just can't do it tonight.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing



Saturday, October 18, 2008

NIAW


One more thing before I go. National Infertility Awareness Week starts tomorrow. You never think that it'll happen to you and when it does it comes out of nowhere. There was a mini-debate last night on BOTB about what the definition of IF really is. I don't know what the perfect definition is but that's not the point. The point is that we need to support each other regardless.

I saw the word written on my paperwork at the doctor's office and that's when it hit me. None of it seems fair. I was adopted (and clearly unwanted?) so why is it that I WANT a child but I can't seem to have one? That's so hard to digest and comprehend. It's painful.

So please pray for use this week. Tell someone who you know is struggling that you're there for them - even if you don't understand what they're going through.

xoxo

The insanity continues.

This has felt like the longest week EVER. I'm sure the one coming up will be even worse cause that's what the two-week wait does to a girl. At least I'm on fall break until Wednesday!

I had a scare this week. Tuesday I had some nastycrazyweird CM that I passed. Dr. R had told me there might be a clog that would break loose with the HSG but I had no idea it what it would look like or how long it would take to come out. I'm not 100% sure but I think it looked very similar to a mucus plug. Anyway it was nasty and I will spare the revolting details.

The scary part came that day cause the doctor's office called and had "Some stuff to go over with me". Yikes. That's never what you want to hear. It turned out to be nothing (praise the Lord). The girl just wanted to tell me that Dr. R wanted to do some fasting labs in addition to the progesterone level check on Monday. I have no idea what they're looking for by doing those labs - all I know is that I can't eat Sunday night and Monday before I go in for the appointment.

I have no idea why but I've had an extremely emotional week. Wednesday I was weepy and crying about crap that shouldn't really matter. I felt like a failure in every area of my life and couldn't keep the emotions down to save my life! Thursday and Friday were better but the first half of the week was ROUGH.

This weekend I'm cleaning house, purging crap to sell in our garage sale that we're having next week and enjoying my fall break. I need to get myself together before Wednesday for sure!

Sunday's sermon was great and in Sunday school we talked about Silence and Solitude. This is something I don't have enough of in my life. I told C the other day that I'd love to get rid of my cell phone. That'd cut out a pretty big bill in our budget and it'd be nice to be unavailable sometimes! He thought I was crazy. I've failed at putting more solitude in my life so far this week but I'm making it a goal for the future.

I think I ovulated this week so I should be in the dreaded torture of the two week wait. Maybe this is it.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Eventful week in the G hizzie!

What a whirlwind! This week I finally came to terms with the fact that I'm suffering from IF. It's been over a year now and like I said before (I think) I have a feeling it's going to take us a while.

Doctor visit extravaganza started with my OB appointment on Wednesday. Meeting a new doctor is SO stressful! I was nervous and awkward and I just hate it. Luckily my good friend recommended her OB to me and he was GREAT. I wasn't sure how I'd handle a man digging around in my vag but it didn't bother me one bit once I got there. He talked to me a lot before he did my "yearly exam" (I hate the words pap smear for some reason). He was VERY nice and when he did the exam it was 100 times better than any other I've had. That day was virtually pain free! Dr. R ordered an SA for C and an HSG and progesterone level check for me.

C took his swim test the next day and they got the results back within 2 hours of him taking his team to the lab! I was stunned! He has plenty of swimmers and they're in good shape they're just a little slow. Good news!

Continuing the vag fest I went in to the hospital yesterday to have my HSG done. I had heard different ends of the pain spectrum on this test so I was preparing for the worst - not to mention being nervous anyway. After nearly breaking down from hearing a lullaby tune played each time a baby was born and waiting FOREVER I was finally taken back to the x-ray room. I wasn't sure if Dr. R would be there so that had me even a little more on edge about the whole thing. Got the gown, stripped down below the waist and walked out of the bathroom to see Dr. R. Wonderful! What a relief!

Ok now. I'm going into detail on this so I remember the experience (as if I could forget it) and to help anyone who reads this. They stick the speculum in there and click it open. It felt like he could have stuffed a lemon up there he clicked it so far - but no big deal. He washed it out with iodine (I think? or a relative of iodine) - not TOO bad. It was a little worse than the pap. Then... omg.

He's a very friendly guy with a great sense of humor which is perfect for me. He says (right before he does this) "I promise you this is just a tiny tube. Some people say it feels like a freight train". Greeeeeeeeeeeat. I was not a tiny tube person. Had the x-ray machine not been right over me I probably would have been off the table. I have a high pain threshold after years and years of horrid cramps so this was astounding to me.

Dr. R - "Are you feeling cramping?"
Mrs. G - "Yea just a little" (wimpered through breaths)

He had xray girl take pictures and when he was done he showed them to me. The tubes are CLEAR! I was still in a LOT of pain when I was getting dressed and leaving. I started getting that feeling like you're going to throw up and/or pass out as I was leaving the hospital but I was too embarrassed to go back and tell anyone. I'm on my way out debating if I can make it or if I should stop in the nearest bathroom and puke. As I approached the restroom by the door to freedom I see 2 housekeeping people standing at the door with their cart. CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOMEHOW I made it out to my car and sat there doubled over holding my steering wheel a few minutes before driving home. Then as I was driving I kept feeling like I was going to fall asleep. You know the feeling like you're falling that jolts you awake while you're sleeping? Ok I was getting that as I was driving down the road - and I wasn't sleeping! Weird.

Next up - Progesterone levels on October 20th!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sent

Sometimes I find things that make me feel overwhelmingly selfish and ungrateful. I've been recently introduced to Stacy's blog and I found myself in the middle of one of those times. I admire her strength and faith in God so much that it is inspiring. How can I complain about things and be down about things when other people are going through MUCH harder things than I am? How selfish is that? How terrible is it that I feel myself losing hope when I know that a powerful and faithful God loves me and has my every breath in the palm of His hand?

So I've been reading Stacy's blog today on my day "off" at school. I get this great day to plan for the next 2 weeks of teaching because at the larger of my two schools I have NO planning time whatsoever. I'm finished planning what I'll be doing so I'm reading her story. One of her entries is about the following excerpt called Sent. It's convicting and inspiring. It's exactly what I needed today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sent
by John Fischer

Sometimes I act as if I'm just muddling through life. I'm lucky if I make it through a day. People ask me how I'm doing and I hear myself say -- even to fellow Christians -- "Oh, I'm hanging in there, just barely." Then I remember Christ praying to the Father: "As you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world," and I have to ask myself: Do I sound like someone who has been "sent?"

If I have been sent, then I am on a mission, and if I am on a mission, how can I just be muddling through life? Somehow I don't think muddling is in my mission statement.

I'm thinking of Paul in 2 Corinthians 2:14-17 where he says that he is always being lead in a public display and is manifesting, wherever he goes, something real about the nature of his faith in Christ, and it is always having an effect on people, and I realize God can accomplish this mission in spite of what is currently happening in my life. Paul even makes this statement right after he has confessed his anxiety over plans not going as expected (verses 12-13). Even then, he could still say he was being lead on a mission.

That means nothing can stop us because nothing can stop God's work in our lives. It would be great today if when people ask how I am, I could say, even if it's just to myself, "I'm on a mission," because I am. I'm on a mission to love God today with all my heart, and let that love reflect in all I do. I'm on a mission to love those closest to me -- to be ruled by care and compassion. I'm on a mission to tell my story to anyone who wants to hear it. I'm on a mission to manifest the fragrance of the knowledge of Christ wherever I go. All this can happen regardless of the circumstances in my life. I don't get to muddle through anything.

In the movie "Saving Private Ryan," a platoon of men in World War II are on a mission to find Private Ryan and bring him home. Sometimes they struggle with their mission. Some of them almost abandon it, but as long as they are moving with the mission of the group, they are all in on it. They were sent.

How about you today? Have you been sent? Then you aren't just hanging in there; you are on a mission. Be aware of it today, and look for what God has for you, because you were sent.


Reassurance

Sanctus Real - Whatever You’re Doing
From the album We Need Each Other

It’s time for healing, time to move on,
it’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it’s time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything – I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe …
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out



Sunday, September 28, 2008

Not as bad as I thought.

I think there's a reason I've been starting my cycles on Sundays. Today in worship we sang some amazing songs. Here are some lyrics from the songs we sang today. Music is my love and passion so it's incredibly important to me. These songs help me get through tough times so I wanted to share them to possibly help you too.

I Will Sing Praise
WRITTEN BY: Michael Popham and Regi Stone
ARRANGED BY: Russell Mauldin


I will sing praise, I will lift my voice,
I will sing praise, I’ve made my choice.
I will sing praise in all I do.
I will sing praise to you.
(Repeat)

No matter the storms that come my way,
No matter the trials I may face,
You promised that you would see me through.
So, I will trust in You.

Thou, Oh Lord




Many are they increased that troubled me
Many are they that rise up against me
Many there be which say of my soul
There is no help for him in God

But thou, oh Lord are a shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head
Thou, oh Lord are shield for me
My glory and the lifter of my head

I cried unto the Lord with my voice
And He heard me out of His holy ear
I laid me down and slept and awake
For the Lord sustained, the Lord sustained me


Saturday, September 27, 2008

I fell for it.

It has been a wild and sad week in the lives of my internet friends. There has been heartbreak running ramped. It's unbelievable how attached to strangers I have become. It's like my secret world that, at times (many times lately), has become more important than true life. I feel connected to these women as if I've known them for years. They support each other and grieve with each other through a keyboard and a screen. It's truly amazing and exceedingly more thankful for my silly addiction every single day.

I'm waiting for my next cycle to start. My chart looked great until this morning then my temperatures took a dive. I did my best not to get my hopes up - I was borderline pessimistic all week long. I don't understand why, but I'm holding on to that glimmer of hope until I actually see proof of the next cycle starting. Ridiculous. I fell for it again. I've cried so many times this week. I feel trapped or like I'm running in circles.

I have this undeniable feeling that C and I are going to have a really rough road having children. I'm going to get tested and have all the goods checked out soon so I haven't been diagnosed with anything but I just have this feeling. I think it's a test of my faith to be honest. God knows my heart better than I do and He knows that I haven't given this issue completely over to Him. He also knows I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. I long to feel connected to someone in the way that I dream family members do.

I think being adopted makes my desire to have children 1,000 times stronger. I hope to adopt a child (children?) someday but I also want some of my own. Maybe it's selfish but there's an emptiness in my heart there. It's like a void that I'm hoping being a mother can fill. I'd love to search for my birth mother. I wonder all the time where she is, what she's doing and why she gave me up. It makes me sick that I was an unwanted/unexpected pregnancy but I've been trying for over a year with no success.

In the mean time - I'm going to try to focus more on my prayer life. I need that continuous open conversation with God. Raw, honest, laying my heart out conversation. I also need to get on top of things with my career and home! We're going to have a yard sale soon and I need to get rid of some serious crap! I need to pull it together and get organized at school too.


Thursday, September 4, 2008

One Year

It has been one year since I have been off BCP. You live your young life terrified that you'll become pregnant when it's not part of the plan but when you're ready you find it's harder than you ever imagined. We were sure that not using birth control would leave us with a little miracle. We thought it would be simple. People who don't use protection, get pregnant. That's what you see everywhere, right? Rude awakening. One year down. I'm anxious and terrified at the same time to know what's ahead of us in this journey. The excitement has faded away. I creep closer to despair with each passing cycle. It's almost like I'm scared to really start trying again because the disappointment is so overwhelming.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm more sensitive to it these days or if people are really reproducing more around me, but I can't escape it. I can't even get rid of it in my own home because the TV and internet invade my babyless home everyday. Even politics has babies and pregnancies (surprise and planned) laced through it. We're in the middle of some of the most important political crap ever and the teenage daughter of a politician is pregnant. Yet another invasion.

I'm ready to find the answer to stop the process of getting my hopes up just to be let down again. Where does the cycle stop? When do you become immune to the letdown? I thought it might get easier after a while but it hasn't.

I never dreamed this is where I'd be. We're going to start "actively" trying again soon. I know I need to give it to God and I know that He's in charge. Patience is hard and not knowing is hard but we'll get through it. I just have to keep taking one day at a time and trust that He has a far greater plan than I am capable of understanding right now.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Long cycle

So I used to have pretty regular cycles. Lately they've been getting longer little by little. I really need to read more about this - I have yet to read TCOYF and probably need to since my cycles are changing.

School started and I finally taught my first day of classes. I was extremely nervous going into today and worried about everything imaginable and more. Once I got into my first class it's like I snapped back into gear and the rest of the day was great! I had K-4 today and tomorrow I should have my first Pre-K class. It's a totally different world teaching elementary instead of middle schoolers. I really think I'm going to enjoy this a LOT more.

Today I was walking down the hallway to find out if preschool was in the building today or not. It turns out that they hadn't started yet so I had an extra half hour free in my day. A lady heard me asking about preschool and as I continued walking down the hall she asked me if I was a parent. It hadn't dawned on me that I could easily be the parent of a preschooler until that moment. I smiled politely and explained that I was just the music teacher - holding back strings of emotional words about how I wish I WERE a parent and how I probably deserved to be one more than many of the parents whose children I'll be teaching!

I was talking to the 1st grade class I had today and was asking them why they thought it was important to listen to their teachers and parents. One little girl raised her hand and said it was to keep them safe and so we could take care of them. Instantly another girl raised her hand and said she took care of her mom. Kids have wild imaginations but knowing the family lives of students I've had in the past, I didn't doubt her for a second. It broke my heart that she was probably barely 6 years old and is already taking care of her mother.

So, while I wait to ovulate (haha) or at least move on to a different schedule I'll spend my days loving every child that comes into my path. That's one of the best parts of being around the younger kids. Most of them (if not all) are still reachable. Most of the troubled older kids were so hardened by their life experiences it was next to impossible to reach out to them and show them love. The odds are in my favor now.


Thursday, August 7, 2008

To try or not to try...

Sometimes being a "grown-up" sucks. Big time. We wanted to start trying at the end of last summer but when DH and I both started to contemplate career/job changes we put things on hold for insurance/financial purposes. Now we really want to try again but I'm still feeling uncertain about it.

Where's that easy button from the Staples commercials? Do they make one for TTC?


Monday, August 4, 2008

Back to school...

I can't believe the calendar year's over half over now! This summer flew by a million times faster than the spring did that's for sure! I've started working at a couple new schools and I was hoping my new positions would help keep my mind off of baby things for a little while until we finalize our insurance and stuff. No such luck. There's a teacher at one school who's due the first week in September. Wonderful for her - her belly's adorable and she looks great (doesn't even look like she's ready to pop!). Too bad for me that my uterus will have a convulsion every time I see her. I'm sure seeing the little kids (I'll get Pre-K and Kindergarten too) will do a number on me as well.

It's hard to be patient and to grin and bear it while others around you are happily popping out babies all over the place. Such a trying time in life. I never knew it'd be so hard. You worry so much about NOT getting pregnant when the timing isn't right that it's unbelievable that it doesn't happen in a New York minute when you ARE ready.

I feel redundant even typing this crap because I know it's the same story for thousands of women across the world. It's just hard to wrap your mind around it when someone else's story becomes yours too.


Saturday, August 2, 2008

the baby borrowers

Last weekend I struggled after we were finished babysitting. I had a lot fun and it was awesome playing mommy for the weekend. When she left it felt like there was something missing in our home. I could seriously do this. I've always dreamt of being a mom. Having a chance to do it right. I don't get along with my mother and she made life really hard on me emotionally while I was growing up. I'm ready to take a shot at it myself.


We had tons of fun and much of our days were spent like this...


...cuddling, exploring, looking for the dogs, running from the dogs (she loved them and wanted to be able to SEE them at all times but when they came close and tried to give her kisses she'd say "NO!" and try to push them away),

Trying to kiss Zoey - not sure if Zoey liked it.

watching the fish and learning new words. I got to take her to the mall with me and she was perfect (a natural shopper). We took her to church with us - again, perfect. The couple in front of us told us how great and beautiful our baby was. She was so quiet they didn't even know she was there. We smiled politely thanked them and explained that she wasn't ours.


It was amazing.

I'm so ready for this.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Getting started...

Hey! So everyone else has their blog up so I thought I'd do one too (nothing like going with the crowd and giving in to peer pressure, right?). I'll update more on my page as I get going but I wanted a starting off point.

I've been off BCP since August 2007. We are not trying but not preventing (some call that trying anyway) right now. We're working really hard to get some bills paid down and other grown up things like that taken care of before we officially and "professionally" start trying.

I'll update more later but I have to go take medicine to Mr. G at work. :)